I’m buzza drunk depressed and don’t care about anything I need to drink more walk home and get hit/ran over by a car because I hate my life right now and just don’t want to thing :/ fucccckkkk
My face progression through the night so far …. I’m sad why … Idk :/ I wanna cry but I’m around friends so I won’t :/ damn it
I feel like I didn’t drink too much tonight but yet still more then I usually do. I always have more thoughts running through my head when intoxicated then sober but also concentrate on them more. I’m a mess up, a mistake, never should have been born , fuck up (you can tell I’m pretty drunk I only write/say fuck when I’m drunk hahah), but yeah I’m driving and writing in my not pad app thing. I’m always trying to figure out why I’m still in this world, why I’m alive. I mean I do know … Kinda just I feel like nothing, there’s not purpose for me. *deep sigh* geheheh I’m just stupid I’m happy, I have great friends I just feel lonely a lot :/, that’s what I get for being an emo kid … So yeah just drove to Wendy’s when I was already like half way home hahaha…. Anyone wanna cheer me up … :/
And that was leaving work, i was talking to a fellow coworker and manager, we talk about random things after work whenever it usually is the three of us closing, but one topic lead to another and one was how one girl coworker (1) hangs out with another girl coworker (2) and that’s why girl coworker one may start “acting” more lesbian like because girl coworker two is “lesbian”. I corrected saying I heard she was bi, one said “same thing” and the other said “she doesn’t know yet she’s still in high school” this also brought up another coworker who’s a guy and is gay (at least from my understanding he is) but since he’s also in high school he can’t be gay, and this was said for both “how can they know if they never kissed so and so gender”. I felt shivers throughout my body, I mean seriously you’re saying this in front of me someone who is bisexual and has never done anything with anyone saying that its possible that idk who I like and that I’m still undecided, that my sexual identity doesn’t exist. I came out in 9th grade freshmen in high school March 13th of 2005 to my friends saying I’m bisexual and that hasn’t change since this day, all the complicated thoughts since i was little leading up to that point and still to this day of weather or not I should do IT, but choose to fight for myself because it is who I am.
I wanted to leave so I just said I was tired, after all I was just getting off work, but I didn’t say anything to them. How could they understand how it is to be queer or think differently , oh shit do I like the same gender naw it’s just a phase, uuggghhhh and tonight was just the perfect weather and setting to play some depressing music as I drove home. I hate my life sometimes but just got to stick it through. :/
Because everything you try to do is all for nothing or nothing just turns out the way you want it to. All my thoughts that run through my head i cant be left alone with them … they make me feel like shit and worthless, im fake and used. All dried up with not even a drop to give. Will anything ever come clear, will it end before then.
Like seriously at a friends party that he invited me too and there are these 2 guys that I am meeting for the first time one is gay and one straight but the straight guy gets “Heteroflexable” whatever te fuck that means which I just found out what it means tonight and well the curse I would say is that I fall for the straight guys but can’t even feel anything for the gay guy lol I feel bad like maybe I could have gotten laid for the first time and lost my virginity but I am a hopeless romantic and just can’t see myself being like that … Even though the heterofelxiable guy was about to kiss me and I wanted to but I refused … Oh how I live a complicated life that I lothe :/ …. Plus alcohol being involved doesn’t help BAHAHAHA ….. Help please???
That you are willing to tell anything to but when you try the slightest I express how you are they don’t care even when they say they will be there for you …. :/ :( There was more that sounded better in my head but whatever