I really don’t want to be at work right now.

Seriously feels like I’m the only one that knows how to work projection… It’s not hard building movies, or checking the office for the keys , or the damn movie schedule so you know where to start pushing and building movies with or without trailers.

But when I have to do everything last minute yesterday especially when there was a 10, 10:30, and 11 showing of hangover and nothing was done so I spent all my time at work making sure we had everything for today done, since it changes tomorrow and i could do the rest today, but I get yelled at for not finishing or checking everything … Really?

Other projectionist know how to do things but instead they like to sweep the floors every other day when they are already clean and that’s all they do >:| *end rant*

So I happen to walk into the office at work when another employee was asking for/or being questioned about this coming Friday about why she needs/wants it requested off. And the managers are basically harassing her on why does she need to go if she’s not “gay”… So of course I had to bump in and say that this type of prom isn’t just for gay people but anyone good go and yeah just trying to get the point across to them that just because we live in California/palm springs one of the gayest places doesn’t mean that gay people are always accepted everywhere …. Rant rant rant some people just can’t understand rant rant rant

So, I’ve pretty much been fine all day, until now, about two hours or so till I get off work and I’m just thinking about tonight. I was so occupied working that it didn’t really cross my mind. Tonight’s nothing special just hanging with a friend. Yeah I’m just worried over nothing and just being a dumbass.

Man, like seriously! The past 2 work schedules I have opened and I actually haven’t been late at all… Now my proj. manager is making me close all next week…. I’m in a love hate relationship with opening and closing but right now I prefer to open :/ uggghh

So my dad got me this membership at this place in Nevada I think? It’s called frontsight firearms training institute …. Like really dad!? >_> yeah I grew up around guns (because of you) but I’m not a big gun person and he wants to come visit sometime in June to go for four days … Now I don’t mind really but with working at a movie theater that’s when the big major movies are suppose to start being released and in June? I’m already going to be getting the first week off in July for anime expo … So if he plans it the week before I won’t be able to go. I told him this I’m just waiting for his reply :/

My sister and I were talking about this the other day for her baby shower but we both agree that our parents are crazy people and don’t tend to see a lot of things. Surprisingly that’s one thing we both agree on hahaha but i know i have my immature moments, which kinda happen a lot more now since i was never able to really act on them in high school .. I’ve always been mature for my age.

But yeah now I don’t know where I’m going with this >_> … So ill stop

I woke up early, basically got out of bed early lol, got ready early, left my house on time, and get the the crosswalk near the bus stop and the bus came early and I missed it because the lights didnt change fast enough >_> so ill be late for work again … At least it’s only like 10-15 mins late :/ but still so dumb

I have to close concessions tonight.
I haven’t closed concessions in maybe 6-8 months D:
Even though I’m a supervisor and I should know how to close, there’s all this new stuff the company likes to throw in their pile of so many gods damn passes/certificates >:| and then even when I’m done I can’t go home because the reason I’m in concessions is because I’m “shadowing” the new projectionist … But if I’m working alone and she messes up there’s no way ill be able to go up there if im busy because the manager decided to get rid of some people on the schedule to cut back pay roll >:/

I really do hate going places alone.

Like today there is a show literally in walking distance from my house … The show started at 5 first band at 5:15.. It is now 6:25 and I’ve been waiting for my friend that told me about the show since 5:30 :/

For once it doesn’t take 2 hours to go to a show and be early but since its close by we are late .. I just don’t see how that can be logical. Yeah I could have gone in alone but I don’t like walking into places unless I know I’ll know somewhere there :(

Hmmmm

I do a lot of thinking, I’m pretty sure everyone does, but I can’t say if I think more then your average person or I just think I do. For some reason whenever I think of something that seems significant or worth writing down, I want to write down, but I don’t have anything near me to do so. For example, I was in my moms room waiting for her to get out of the bathroom so I could use it so I got up to get my phone off the charger and use notepad at least to write what I was thinking down, now that I have my phone though I started writing but decide against it because it just seems like another pointless topic/conversation with myself that no one else would have an interest in and it just becomes another rant … Which this basically has turned out to become :/

sorry -\\

If you wanted to know what I was going to write about .. The gist of it was I’m tired of being alone and I don’t mean relationship wise I just want someone that gets me…

I feel like I didn’t drink too much tonight but yet still more then I usually do. I always have more thoughts running through my head when intoxicated then sober but also concentrate on them more. I’m a mess up, a mistake, never should have been born , fuck up (you can tell I’m pretty drunk I only write/say fuck when I’m drunk hahah), but yeah I’m driving and writing in my not pad app thing. I’m always trying to figure out why I’m still in this world, why I’m alive. I mean I do know … Kinda just I feel like nothing, there’s not purpose for me. *deep sigh* geheheh I’m just stupid I’m happy, I have great friends I just feel lonely a lot :/, that’s what I get for being an emo kid … So yeah just drove to Wendy’s when I was already like half way home hahaha…. Anyone wanna cheer me up … :/

And that was leaving work, i was talking to a fellow coworker and manager, we talk about random things after work whenever it usually is the three of us closing, but one topic lead to another and one was how one girl coworker (1) hangs out with another girl coworker (2) and that’s why girl coworker one may start “acting” more lesbian like because girl coworker two is “lesbian”. I corrected saying I heard she was bi, one said “same thing” and the other said “she doesn’t know yet she’s still in high school” this also brought up another coworker who’s a guy and is gay (at least from my understanding he is) but since he’s also in high school he can’t be gay, and this was said for both “how can they know if they never kissed so and so gender”. I felt shivers throughout my body, I mean seriously you’re saying this in front of me someone who is bisexual and has never done anything with anyone saying that its possible that idk who I like and that I’m still undecided, that my sexual identity doesn’t exist. I came out in 9th grade freshmen in high school March 13th of 2005 to my friends saying I’m bisexual and that hasn’t change since this day, all the complicated thoughts since i was little leading up to that point and still to this day of weather or not I should do IT, but choose to fight for myself because it is who I am.

I wanted to leave so I just said I was tired, after all I was just getting off work, but I didn’t say anything to them. How could they understand how it is to be queer or think differently , oh shit do I like the same gender naw it’s just a phase, uuggghhhh and tonight was just the perfect weather and setting to play some depressing music as I drove home. I hate my life sometimes but just got to stick it through. :/

So that’s my rant for today >_> … Hopefully

Because everything you try to do is all for nothing or nothing just turns out the way you want it to. All my thoughts that run through my head i cant be left alone with them … they make me feel like shit and worthless, im fake and used. All dried up with not even a drop to give. Will anything ever come clear, will it end before then.

I come back to work and I’m already getting yelled at for things that aren’t my fault or I can’t control or for just being me… :/ ..